Cinematic Daydreams and Ballistic Motherhood: Navigating Life as an Expat

I love the feeling—or rather, the state of being—when my mind starts to wander and enters different realms. It is very hard to explain, but it feels as if my mind is taken by a strong current. Not necessarily unpleasant. The edges of the world blur a little and everything catches a softness.

Cinematic Daydreams

I can still vividly remember these moments from my school years, during the long early morning commutes. In the crowded bus, staring out into the distance, my mind would often drift, opening up to the poetic flow of fantasies—my cinematic daydreams. I recall thinking that if only I could capture those words right then and there, I would create something beautiful. Sadly, it cannot be reproduced, as it cannot be remembered.

At that moment, I want to be left alone, to drift into this country of fairness. But, as you can imagine, most of the time I am not alone. I have two very lively and often loud kids. Well, one is hardly a kid anymore, as she entered her teenage years a couple of years back, manifesting all the symptoms of early puberty. With the smart (and cheeky) boy in tow, it is quite a duo.

Ballistic Motherhood

Some days, I feel like I have it all together with the kids. That I am doing well, being patient, understanding, supportive, and all…navigating the fine balance between being a good mother and being an artist-entrepreneur. And then—boom! Let me tell you, I haven’t cracked the code. Yet. There are moments I go ballistic!

Okay, alright. It is not an explosion out of nowhere. It is a slow build-up of small acts of disrespect, ignored requests, noise, questions, noise, demands, noise, more questions, and…noise. By now, you might get that I am a pretty quiet person, highly valuing my bubble and silence. Well, that—with those two. Ufff...

As there is a reason for everything, there is also a reason for my being gifted with two very curious, free-spirited, out-of-the-box thinking little humans full of life and compassion. They show me every day how to be more relaxed and free, how to love and forgive (mostly myself for losing it). Some days, I think I have it all figured out.

But it is not easy. As an artist and entrepreneur, I solely rely on my free time to work. It is nearly impossible to work when I have them around. My creative/work day shrinks into a few hours a day—which alone can create a great deal of tension in me, as there is so much I want to (and must) do, too many ideas waiting to be materialized!

Navigating Life as an Expat

With moving to Spain, this time has shrunk even more, as the school day is shorter here. And of course, the first few months were all about making sure they were alright and adapting well. So much of my energy went into making the transition as smooth as possible, I put my needs and work aside for the time being. Only to find myself questioning why we even came here, as there is no time for me and my projects!

But this time passed too. It got better, the kids were happy, and I had more time for myself.

Some days and tasks can be challenging for a single mom living abroad.

People often tell me that I am fearless.

I laugh, but what I really mean is—if you only knew. I am scared all the time. (I was, I used to be…now I am not anymore.)

The thought of remaining unchanged scares me more than the uncertainty of the future. So I dive again and again into the dark to seek the light—and now, I have the privilege to show this to my children. To chase the dream, even if we are scared. Especially if we are scared!

Beat the laziness, the comfort, the cushy safety of the stagnant.

I was scared to come here with them, then. I was scared of all the changes it would cast upon us, of all the things that needed to be organized to come here. Of all the paperwork, the convincing, the planning. It was all worth it. In the end—as in everything in life—it was easier than I thought. Everything fell into place at the right moment.

Kids love their school now, and after almost eight months, they are starting to speak Spanish. It might take less time for some kids, I believe. With their difficulties learning (dyslexia, dysorthography), I could not be prouder of them. It is so amusing to hear them throwing random Spanish phrases around. Especially at night, while lying in bed, recollecting the past day.

Son: "Do you know what (says a random Spanish word) means?"

Then he starts to tease her and she shrieks: "Para!" (Stop!)

I was concerned about my little (9yo) introverted boy, as he is quite shy, how will he adapt to the new school, spending several hours every day surrounded by strangers speaking a strange language.

I thought the girl would rule the school within a week as she is very social and proactive.

I was wrong, in both cases.

He kicked it off as a pro. It took her a few weeks to find her peers and feel comfortable. And we got so lucky with the school! From all my heart, I wish for every child to experience this kind of friendly and supportive environment for their school education. They even had shelter puppies in the school for a day! Come on.

Of course, it is difficult!

We have to catch up with the curriculum of the Slovak school, every day. More often than not it is a fight.

"Mooom, do we have to, today?"

"It's unfair, we need to study twice!"

"Why did we come here? I wanna go back! You made me come here..."

(Yes, even this)

Of course, it's difficult.

But...

Living in the beautiful (and very rainy) part of Spain—Galicia—we were super lucky to find an amazing rental right by the beach, where the Ría meets the Atlantic Ocean, under the protective shoulder of Montelouro. Being surrounded by nature is key to (our) content way of living. But the rain! And wind!

Kids often find themselves looking out the window, at the dark skies and pouring rain asking: "Didn't you say Spain was sunny?"

"Well, yes, I thought so."

Kids: "But it rains sideways here! You said we would swim in the ocean in March!"

(We did! But truth to be told, we had more rainy days than sunny days. It can be quite tiring...)

Btw, mold is totally normalized here! I mean...

Taking long walks through the eucalyptus woods, crossing the sand dunes and across the beach, passing by the lighthouse on our way back.

Those walks are filled with talks, outspoken daydreams, my son’s endless questions, and my attempt at composure toward the end. Yes, it can get too much sometimes, to be torpedoed by question after question (often leaving no space for the answers).

Son: "Mom, why are the sand dunes changing their shape?"

Mom: (Breathes in to answer)

Son: "It's because of the tides of the ocean and the wind."

Son: "Mom, what is your favorite fruit?"

Mom: (Breathes in to answer)

Son: "Mango is my favorite!"

Mom: "..."

Son: "Mom, what kind of bird is that?"

Mom: (Searching for a bird)

Son: "Can octopus survive on land?"

Son: "Can we go swimming tomorrow?"

Son: "Mom?!"

Mom: "..."

Mom: "So, which question do you want me to answer?"

It is how he is built—like a sponge, learning about the world through knowledge—thus questions.

My girl—she is a fairy, often spacing out into different realms, learning the world through senses and feelings.

Girl: (Looks around in amazement) "Moooom...?"

Mom: "Yes...?"

Girl: "..."

Girl: "I forgot."

So here I am, with two precious souls, navigating our way through shared life, making mistakes often, feeling like a failure, and sometimes knowing that I am doing great. We are great together. Our Spanish adventure will soon be over; we will pack our things and head back to Slovakia. Recognising what we will miss. And what we are looking forward to.

Love

Johana