Exploring the Power of Self-Discovery: "I am Not Lost, I am Here"

I've been looking for myself all my life.

Luckily enough every detour I've taken has taught me something and opened the door to

a world that I wouldn't have experienced otherwise.

My mom says I'm more lucky than smart. She also says I'm as smart as a monkey.

So I do not know...

Anyway, I guess I'm still looking. And learning.

Now I feel the freedom to be who I am and unbecome anything that I'm not, naturally gravitating towards beauty and simplicity, otherness, and everything that breathes life.

Let me tell you my tale of self-discovery.

I walked many paths, I studied design, trained in classical dressage around the world, designed toys for my brand for over ten years, worked as a furniture developer, designed clothes for two fashion brands, and as a stage designer, I helped establish a theater group, volunteered as a graphic designer for an educational non-profit organization educating girls about their monthly cycle, relationships...

It was a long search for myself and I even found myself in some of those projects for a while.

And when the time was up, I moved on.

I am not gonna pretend last year has been an easy one. Quite on the contrary.

Entering 2023 with naive expectations, anxiety, and mild depression. Great way to start a year. Recovering from the flu, that never seemed to want to end, not being able to find my direction, path, anchor... I was lost. I was feeling desperate to find out, what is it that I want. As if I was hanging in a vacuum and there was nothing around to grab onto.

Feeling like I was, with many doubts, I started my own company.

Not convinced, but hey! I had a direction. A bit rickety, but still.

Not knowing, what am I doing, with too many ideas and too little structure. Naively throwing myself in, without a clear path, not even a goal. Therefore it is no wonder that I found myself drowning in the world of bureaucracy, papers, documents, and unrelated ideas.

Now mind you, by that time I was involved in way too many projects and I was starting to feel burnt out.

For a while I was riding on the previous success of my textile toys brand, not creating any new designs. Desperately trying to extract the last remnants of energy from the results of my previous burst of creativity, I completely disregarded my deep need for rest. To withdraw myself from the world, to gain strength in silence and the safety of my cave.

But I had a company to run, a business to make. Not that I had any idea how. Or any success in doing so.

I went into training for women entrepreneurs and spent a few weeks in Spain developing an idea that I abandoned almost immediately upon my return to Slovakia, throwing myself head first into another one...

Oh Boy, let me tell you, I was lost!

An offer came along. I received a call from my former horse trainer, with whom I worked a few years back in Brazil. She asked me to mind her horses for a few weeks for her. In Andalusia. In August.

Within a week of the phone call, we hit the road. With the car packed to the point of not being able to open the back doors without half of our lives falling out, we drove through half of Europe to reach Mijas in six days.

And that is why I found myself in Spain. Being already accepted for the Erasmus for Young Entrepreneurs program, I started my search for the host organization. It has been a stressful time, having only a few weeks to decide, what to do next. And it was only several days before our planned departure when I landed a host organization and a house rental on the other side of Spain. In Muros, Galicia, to be precise.

It was not that easy. I had to fly back to Slovakia, to convince my ex to let the kids come with me. I had to arrange everything at both schools (SK and ES), move out of the rented apartment, move my atelier, and so on and so on...

But, at last, here we are. Here I am. After some more chasing my tail and investing energy into the wrong projects, a sickness over the winter holidays finally (FINALLY !!!) forced me to slow down and contemplate.

I remember writing in a letter to my friend:

"Does it come with age, this feeling of pointlessness?"

Oh no, was I there again, feeling lost, not having a purpose?

"I don't think so.

I think it comes from deep depression." was the answer.

And yet, I was still trying to push the wagon up the hill.

Looking forward to the winter holidays, as kids were going to spend three weeks back in Slovakia, head full of plans and to-do lists and creative aspirations, I got so sick I couldn't leave the bed for more than two weeks.

I was forced to slow down, rest and contemplate. So I did. Layer by layer, I peeled my illusions away (of myself, my work, relationships, direction...), examined and healed anything, that surfaced wanting my attention and I let go. Mostly of the expectations I had of myself.

I gave myself the freedom to be, whoever I am. Whoever I need to be right now. To start the process of unbecoming anything and everything I am not anymore. I was carrying too heavy of a load of definitions, that did not serve me anymore.

And this is how I got here.

My art is about this. About my journey. About how I got here through the darkness. It is about finding the light. And trust. It is about surrendering to the unknown, not knowing the path.

I am here today, stronger than ever, more confident than ever, in a situation where I can't see two steps ahead. And I am weirdly OK with that. Still frightened to the bone sometimes, though.

We found ourselves in the most beautiful landscapes carved by the Ría and Atlantic Ocean. Living in the serenity of nature under the protective wing of Monte Louro, with the strong winds rushing from the vast waters, rolling over its back, softly dampening the noise of the raging sea. Ever so awed by this scenery, my wild soul crying out for freedom cannot contain this beauty in thoughts and words. The closest and most accurate way I get it is when I let these feelings and sensations flow through my hands. This is how my art arises.

Thank you for being part of it.

With love,

Johana